Women—Why Auto-Change Your Name When You Get Married?

I’ve wondered this since I was in junior high: Why do so many women automatically adopt their husband’s last names when getting married? I know the historical reasons behind this custom. Girls/women were considered their father’s, and after marriage, their husband’s, property. But where does this sexist little tradition fit into the lives of women/men relationships in the 21st century? In case you haven’t guessed it, the sexism thing is reason # 1 why my last name is the same as the one on my birth certificate.

I’ve had people I’ve known for years absolutely refuse to call me by my last name and instead use my husband’s name, referring to me as Mrs. (his name). I don’t want to mention my guy’s name only because I don’t have his permission to do that and doing so under these circumstances, I think, would be disrespectful.

I get snail mail from people who I’ve repeatedly told, “I never changed my name,” addressed to “Mrs. (My Husband’s First and Last name)”. As if, not only have I changed my name, I’ve switched sexes. (My husband’s first name is very guy-like; it’s not like Sidney, or Robin, names that are gender-neutral).

Some people, it seems, to avoid calling me by my last name, have simply stopped addressing mail to me at all. It just comes to him now. Or to him “and family”. Like it would almost hurt to simply refer to me by the last name I’ve used all my life—the last name I’ve said outright is the only one I ever use.

Or people will say, after I tell them for the fifty-eleventh time, “My last name is Perry,” “Oh, isn’t it Perry-hyphen-YourHusband’sName)?” Now, for the record, this would be an understandable question coming from someone who doesn’t know me very well since my husband’s and my children do have hyphenated names (Perry-Hubby’sName). But since getting married over 15 years ago, I have never hyphenated. Is this really that hard of a detail to remember?

Sometimes I wonder what the women who’ve chosen to change their names, and want me to force me into their club, would do if I suddenly started calling them by their pre-married names. Or what those men who can’t seem to wrap their minds around the idea that I’ve retained my name would do if I suddenly started calling them by some name other than the one they use—for instance, if they’re married, by thier spouses pre-married surnames.

But I only wonder these things. I don’t act on them. Because that would be just as rude as calling me by a name other than the one I’ve chosen and repeatedly asked to be called. So I take the high ground instead (at least in appearance). And have now, finally, thanks to blogging, written a short piece about something that I’ve wanted to write about for years.

If you have an opinion about the name change thing, pro, con, or neutral, please post it here. I’d love to hear what you think.

LaVora
mlavoraperry.com

Tags: ms, Sexism, Society, women